I have demons in me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
