i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
