I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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