you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
