Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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