I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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