how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i think my cat just said my name.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
