youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
