I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
