That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
