Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
