the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
