I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
