Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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