Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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