dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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