I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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