My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
