Need sex. Gaining weight.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Drake has all the answers
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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