I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
