Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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