I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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