I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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