I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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