Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
