I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Randomize
