Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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