someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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