I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
