Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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