i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
