with your own penis?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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