Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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