so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
