My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
