it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
