She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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