i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
