well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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