You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so let's talk penis.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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