Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
