he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
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Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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