My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
