I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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