just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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