Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
