So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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