We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
