Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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