If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
