i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
