...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
