The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
