I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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