Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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