I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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