if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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