I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
