Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
